Finding your voice
This Monday I did my first Instagram live and was surprised by how I felt afterward. Or perhaps more so what I didn’t do afterward. I didn’t immediately criticize myself for how I spoke, how I looked, and I also didn’t think that I wasted other people’s time. Those three things have plagued me since I was a young girl and the majority of my career as an esthetician. After entering the new year with full autonomy I felt the creativity to explore new forms of content, education, and self-expression. It dawned on me that I have the capability of getting an audience’s attention but if I don’t find my own voice and believe in what I’m saying wholeheartedly than I won’t acquire the growth I so desperately longed for.
As someone who has done countless public speeches, events, tapings, and anything else that requires speaking in public, you would never think that I have felt like the ultimate failure when it comes to having a voice. I also have always felt so much more comfortable writing my thoughts because I can edit myself from mistakes, and develop the tone as I go along. I’ve always known this about myself but thought that it was just apart of my personality in which I would either grow into or out of. But in all honesty, I’ve felt stuck in this voiceless body for a long time. I found myself feeling completely exhausted after any public speaking or even one on one work with my clients. It never feels great and confuses me because I want to be able to feel like I have energy beyond my work.
Last week I realized the root of this major block that I have been experiencing for what feels like my whole life. I decided to take a major leap of faith by creating something that is very own massive project. This project is the manifestation of my 12 years of work, a program I’m putting together through all of my experience so that I can reach more of you with support and skin education. I’ve never been more certain about anything on a creative and business scale, however when the camera started rolling...I went blank. And then the tears started streaming down. The very pressure of having one camera directly pointing at me with the opportunity for me to speak my truth was overwhelming. I immediately felt like I was wasting people’s time and that no one would care what I have to say. Whenever I have wanted to do anything beyond the basics, I felt this inner turmoil screaming that I want and must to do it but my body would physically stop me. My voice would shut off and my light goes dim. The loophole I have been able to experience is that I can turn the voice on for others so it’s easy for me to work as a volunteer for someone or perhaps take a role in a play because I could hide behind a cause of sorts. I can channel someone else’s message but I’m terrified to share mine for fear that no one will listen or care.
This stems from the fact that I am a slow and steady wins the race girl. I’m fine with my little life with my small business, my decent income, and my limit on life experience. But over the last few months, I’ve realized that part of why I have felt this way for so long was because I have never known that my future could be bigger than this. Doing a lot of self-work has helped me realize that I have a huge potential here to do exactly what I want with this life and pave the path of expansion for my future children. As many of you know, I want to be a mom more than anything. I’m physically embracing that challenge, I’m prepping financially, and ultimately gathering all the pieces so that when it happens I can attempt to enjoy as much of the process as I can. I made the conscious choice to start shifting towards that intention around 28 years old (around the time my Saturn Return started). It was a year after my shingles outbreak where I explored a new side of my health by testing out my first round of full body cleansing. I got to know so much about myself on a physical level that the layers of emotional cover-up was finally started to unravel. The work was clear and very much in need of my focus - find your voice and spread your message. I’ve been gifted these opportunities through my previous partnership, opportunities that tons of brands try to give me by becoming a brand ambassador, spas wanted to share with me by becoming an educator, and so many more but my stubborn self must have known all along that some deeper work needed to be done before settling.
So I broke down while starting to film my education series and finally released the fear. I let go of the fear that maybe I don’t have a big enough following of people who care about what I have to say because I received this message the same morning of the filming:
“Hey, Hayley! I know I'm a bit late for international women's day, but I just wanted to reach out to you and let you know that I think about you often and about the MAJOR impact you've had in my life. Since I last saw you, I had my hormonal IUD replaced with the copper one and my skin has been clearer than it has been in years! I never knew how much hormonal imbalance could hurt me. I still have scars, but I don't wear makeup to the gym or yoga anymore. THAT'S HUGE. My self-confidence has skyrocketed. The talk you gave me about skin has prompted me to go on a journey of exploration of healthy, hormones and the female body and I feel so well equipped to tackle any problems by listening to my body. You taught me that and I will be forever grateful. Aside from the physical aspect, I keep coming back to something you said casually while we were eating breakfast, "I shine bright and I just don't let anyone dull that anymore just because they can't handle it." Whenever I feel insecure, I return to those words. I'm unapologetically myself, thanks in large part to you and those words that are now my mantra. You're so right. We are goddesses and so long as we live with regard for others, kindness, and compassion, we shouldn't have to try to shine less brightly because others can't handle it. I just wanted you to know how important our brief time together was to me in lifting me out of a super depressed state. You are such a beautiful, strong woman with the kindest soul and you inspire me to be myself. I love myself more now because of you. I love my skin with all of its imperfections. When you looked at my skin in our mini-facial and said it's beautiful, I cried after, because I'd never seen my skin as anything other than something I needed to fix. Once I get back from Brazil, I hope I can get a facial from you. You, Hayley Wood, are an incredible woman and I'm grateful we crossed paths because it's not an exaggeration to say you've changed my entire life for the better, just by being who you are.”
I have had my voice all along. Once I broke down I felt myself remembering all along that my message is part of who I am and if I am authentically myself, I don't have to be afraid of anything. I am so excited for the final result because I know it's going to be what you have all been asking me for all these years. I finally listened because I finally started believing it myself. Thank you for your patience with me all along the way. I am so excited to share more instagram lives so I can continue to exercise that muscle of confidence and authenticity with you. And I'm even more excited to announce my video series soon!
Thank you for reading and have a beautiful week! xo - Hayley