When one door closes...
I think that it’s safe to say that all of us are aware of how social media can be a tricky platform to navigate, right? I remember in our pre-instagram world when a couple could break up without the whole world finding out at the same time and feeling entitled to share their opinions about it. So I find that I often don't know what to share and when if I'm going through a major transition. I am sure that many of you are aware of a few changes that have been going on with me and, after an unexpected miscommunication with an event announced last week, I think it’s finally time for me to address the elephant in the room. Don’t worry, James and I are not breaking up and the puppy is still a beautiful angel that we’re so excited to call our own fur baby.
After coming home from my honeymoon and having my second one on one session with my manifestation advisor, Lacy Phillips in December, it was clear that I needed to make some changes in my life. 2017 was equally the most rewarding and challenging year for me but it was clear that I was going to continue to be tested with the same themes in 2018 if I didn’t make a move that my heart was calling out for me to make. Which leads me to confess that in December I made the difficult decision to end my partnership with Skin Food Talk. This company was something that I have been extremely proud to be apart of since the very beginning. What started as just a simple conversation on how to get glowing from the inside out quickly turned into an empowering platform for so many people. The doors that SFT opened for us helped me expand my belief system that maybe, just maybe, I was capable of contributing something great to this world. So if it’s all so wonderful, why did I leave?
It’s hard for me to discuss without fear of being labeled as a quitter because essentially that is what I did - I quit. It’s also really emotional for me to release something I dedicated so much love and energy to. As a Virgo, I’ve been told it’s part of my stubbornness to really hold onto something even it's not serving me anymore. I’ve stayed in jobs, relationships, cities, and living situations for far too long for the sake of not wanting to hurt or inconvenience someone. When I turned 30 I felt my Saturn return coming to a close but my universal tests were continuously presenting themselves to me on a daily basis. If you are in or have experienced your Saturn return, you’ll know exactly what I mean by that. I was finally on the precipice of becoming the person I am supposed to be in this new chapter in my life; a wife, entrepreneur, and a strong woman with my bright future ahead of me, but before I could finally truly stand in my authentic self, I had to finally face certain tests. A test is a life challenge that will reappear until you finally learn your lesson from it. Kind of like when you continuously date the same type of person that is wrong for you until you realize the pattern is in your hands to break. All those partners, as wrong as they may seem after the fact, are actually very important to your life because they are meant to teach you so much.
My biggest dream since I was 19 was to have my own facial practice and once it started to actualize and really take off, I found myself too emotionally and physically drained to be present in it. On the outside looking in it may have seemed as though I was fine, but I have been working from 7 am to 9 pm, or later, 7 days a week for almost 3 years straight. I was dealing with some major health issues that seemed to always root back to the same cause; stress. I even did an adrenal fatigue test (adrenal glands control your cortisol levels which are affected by stress, among other things) where it looked like I was asleep all day meaning I was that drained out. My levels were their lowest they had ever been even though I had previously restored them after my shingles outbreak in 2014. To experience this during my first year of marriage was also incredibly difficult. I fell into a deep depression that not only made it difficult to get out of bed, but it made me feel so hypocritical when speaking on any matters of health and self-care. I got to a point where I couldn’t recognize myself in the mirror because my body was experiencing inflammation so severe that it actually affected my mental health. I was trying so hard to spread myself thin enough to continue dedicating time to all of my commitments and failing miserably.
As terrifying as this is to admit, because no one knows this other than my husband, but I also began to face some serious suicidal thoughts that I hadn't experienced other than when I was a kid during a traumatic transitional time. My health was at a dangerously fragile place for me to keep ignoring all the signs. Luckily, my husband stepped in and I really started to understand the magnitude of our vows ("in sickness and in health, for better or worse"). He reminded me that I was beautiful every day when my inflammation weighed in at about 20 extra pounds. He also encouraged me every day to follow my dreams and reminded me that life is too short to overextend myself this much. I owe him everything for not leaving when I probably would have left me, but he knew that I just wasn’t the Hayley he knows and loves, and trusted that I would come back.
When I finally took my first real vacation in 4 years with my husband to our honeymoon in Tulum in December, I finally felt the some of my symptoms calm down. My digestion was the best it had been in almost 2 years. My brain fog and migraines were diminishing. I saw light for the first time in almost 18 months. While I was finally feeling the veil of depression lift up from my spirit there was a bold question that popped up screaming at me during a meditation;
WHY DON’T YOU HAVE CREATIVE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE?
I started to journal what I thought that having my creative control back might look like and all of a sudden I started to feel like I was in the driver’s seat of my life again. The most important thing that came up for me was that I want to focus my life on what I need to do in order to call in a baby. My husband and I had tried throughout the year only to be painfully reminded that it’s not that easy to conceive and make it through a full term pregnancy. Since my adrenals and the rest of my endocrine system have been completely taxed, there was no way that I can personally get and stay pregnant if I were to keep going in the same direction I was in.
I look for signs in threes in order to feel confident in decisions of this magnitude. So once I came home, I expressed all of this to Lacy on our call and she made the simplest and most profound point. “If you don’t have space for yourself, how can you have space for a baby?”. That was my 3rd and clearest sign to feel confident in my decision to release my role as co-founder of Skin Food Talk. I haven't made a decision this difficult in a long time but I knew that it was the right thing for everyone involved. Since then I have received nothing but endless support from friends, family, clients, and followers who understand and appreciate my decision, which continues to validate this difficult choice I never thought I could make. I was creating space for myself finally and that's when the craziest thing started to happen. I started to notice that my inbox was getting filled with opportunities that were beyond my wildest dreams. My Therapeutic Skin Coach team since evolved to a team of 6 employees. My practice finally got to a place in which I feel like I am grounded and performing up to my own standards again. Within 3 days of officially leaving the company, I also got the dog of my dreams, Josie, who is a magical creature that is easily the most meaningful and special spirit that I’ve ever met. The best part of all of this is that, I began feeling consistently better - no more bloating, digestive health issues, depression or brain fog. It’s like a light switch with how fast it turned off.
So last Friday there was a mistake in advertising for an event at Cap Beauty in LA where I was featured as a co-founder of Skin Food Talk. Since then, the misunderstanding has been resolved but many of you asked me about it knowing that I already committed to my WMN Space event on the same day. I left the company prior to any commitment to this event so I’m sorry if that has been misleading to any of you hoping to connect with me there. I’m not going to be in two places at once anymore so I hope this clarifies any questions. The best part of this experience is knowing that Skin Food Talk is still moving forward with full momentum and I’m so proud to watch it flourish from the sidelines. And though it’s been a difficult lesson for me to learn, I know now that I am the only one who is able to give myself permission to get better. So here I am, standing fully in my authenticity and grabbing control of my dream life with both hands firmly at the wheel and a clear vision for me and my family’s future. Thank you so much for reading this very personal admission of vulnerability and please feel free to email me directly if you have any questions or comments in regards to my exit with Skin Food Talk or anything else. I am grateful for all of your support and am excited to continue to provide my knowledge for all of you on the Therapeutic Skin Coach platform.
xo - Hayley