The Blame Game
It’s without a doubt easier to blame things that we don’t like about ourselves onto others. “My parents raised me this way”, “my partner eats badly so I eat badly”, “my work environment doesn’t let me take breaks” etc. These excuses allow us to give our power away. I am one of the many people who has been stuck in this mind spiraling dilemma. It is easier to blame others for what got us in our situation but is it really true? Or more importantly is that fair? What I want to talk about is not how to shift the “blame” from one subject to another, but how to take this “shaming” act out of the equation altogether. With many of my clients seeking resolve in a health aspect of their lives whether it be their skin, hormones, nutrition, stress management etc. I hear all the excuses all the time. It’s disheartening when you feel alone in your situation. The truth is you can feel alone by blaming the people in your circle or you can feel empowered by honoring yourself by getting to the root of the issue. See when you shift your mindset about how you might be a victim of a circumstance, you may realize that you have every ability to become the hero of your own story. Here’s how:
1 - BLAMING LOVED ONES - I think that it’s easy for us to blame our parents for everything. The other day I was blaming my dad for the fact that I have furrowed brows. Really? I’m going to stoop that low and blame my father for something he had no idea would be passed down to me. Amongst other excuses I have spent my lifetime truly trying to understand that taking ownership of what we are given and making it into our own is incredibly valuable. We may have some deeply seeded habits or inherited behaviors from our youth but that doesn’t mean you are set up for failure the rest of your life. I like to think about these scenarios and compare them to an athletes’ mindset. What an athlete does may come from a little natural talent but with their minds set on becoming excellent in their field that is when the changes really happen. Start to think about how you want to be feeling instead of what you are upset about. Focus your intentions on what you can change and recognize that the strength you gain from these obstacles far outweigh anything else. Rising above a difficult circumstance only makes you more grateful for your blessings. You’ll be thanking those you initially wanted to blame soon enough.
2 - BLAMING YOURSELF - This can be detrimental to your self esteem and also slowly to your health. When you start to hate on yourself for anything you WILL NOT benefit from any aspect of that shaming. When I start to get down on myself for something (whether it is in my control or no), I am bullying. The way we speak to ourselves can be the most negative of it all and guess what, your brain may start believing it. In our minds, signals are signals so whether you have to understand that when you say “I’m ugly”, “I’m worthless”, “I’m fat”, “I’m deserving of this pain” your brain doesn’t know you are bullying yourself. It will start to create the reflection that you are creating with your words. How I get myself out of this spiraling mess is I simply ask myself : “Would I speak to anyone the way I am speaking to myself now?”. If the answer is no, which it almost always usually is then I give myself a break and state the opposite of what I am thinking. So let’s say I am thinking “Wow Hayley, you look terrible” I state out loud, “Wow Hayley, you look terrific”. If I start to lose perspective of my health conscious habits I only allow the side effects of that to be my guide to getting back on track. If I start eating sugar or gluten (which my body can’t tolerate) I don’t hate myself, I simply thank myself for the reminder as to why I can’t have these things and start actively working towards eliminating these factors that don’t serve me.
3 - BLAMING ME OR OTHER PROFESSIONALS - This is an act I would not suggest to anyone because it is incredibly disrespectful. When you ask for help by a professional person in a specific field, it is important to remember that this is a collaborative effort. The phrase that comes to mind for me is : “Let me help you, help yourself”. When people ask me for help, I take that responsibility very seriously but if the narrative shifts to one where is feeling helpless to helping themselves and starts to play the blame game, I take it as a huge warning sign. If you start disrespecting yourself or others, how can I trust that you will not disrespect me? Unfortunately I am not able to live the lives of my clients, so I don’t know their day to day as much as they think I do. I have to trust that you love yourself enough to help yourself which is usually the reason why people ask for help. If there is resistance, excuses, blame or shame placed upon your professional, they have every right to discontinue treatment. It has taken me many years to recognize this and it is something I take very seriously. Love yourself enough to let me help you. If you are in a position where you are vulnerable enough to ask for help, it’s okay to go all in. If I see a massage therapist or acupuncturist I am blatantly honest with them about my habits, even if I suspect they may not be fond of my answers. My thoughts are simply “I asked YOU to help me and am open to HEALING, you can trust in my TRANSPARENCY and I can TRUST in your SUPPORT”. If you ask me to help, but you’re not open, I won’t be able to help you. Just know that there is no judgement in a professional environment with a healer. We are licensed to help you and care for you with the toolboxes we’ve created. I love sharing my knowledge but it is hard. I can only help if I know you are open to process with me so don’t be afraid, because you deserve to be your best self.